Jim's Laws of Alcohol

These laws were compiled during my first two years at Rensselaer Polytutescrew Incorporated. I didn't drink at all in high school, and a combination of insecurity, curiosity and the "forbidden fruit factor" led me to a lot of overindulgence when I arrived at college. Although I, and most of the people I used to drink with, no longer hold these attitudes for the most part (with the exception of the Fourth Law, which is a universal truth), we still find them somewhat amusing. Try to look at them through the eyes of a nineteen-year-old who likes to go to frat parties on weekends and get smashed. If you do, in fact, fit that description, you may find even more amusement value in them.

  1. The Law of Quantity: Drink all you can stand, until you can no longer stand. Then sit down and drink some more.
  2. The Law of Efficiency: Always seek to consume the beverage with the greatest alcoholic content per unit volume.
  3. The Law of Relationships: In a group of drunk and sober people of both sexes, the sober guys will get the girls, and vice versa. In other words, Those who get fucked up will not get fucked.
  4. The Law of Personality: A drunk asshole is still an asshole.
  5. The Law of Limits: Your body will tell you when you've had too much to drink. However, at this point you will be too drunk to listen.
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jimcat@panix.com