The Age of Pocky A Parallel Universe AX-Men Story I: Do You Know the Way to Anime? [Captain Synopsis is falling to his apparent doom. Suddenly, flowers bloom in Scotland and a Unicorn flies across the sky.] Captain: What the hell? [He grabs hold of the Unicorn as it flies by and suddenly finds himself tumbling through a space-time vortex. The Unicorn disappears and Captain Synopsis is grazed by a big blue box with a light on top.] Captain: [ricocheting off the box] Ow! Whoa, this is like a really bad episode of Sliders... [He hits the ground with a large thud and remains unconscious for some time.] Captain: [sighs] Ugh. I feel like I've been stepped on by Omnipotus. [looks around] Well, things look pretty much normal. [A blonde-haired woman runs by.] Woman: Hibiki, come back! Captain: Hibiki? Uh oh. [he sighs and looks skyward. He sees three Gundams cresting a nearby hill.] Wait--those Gundams shouldn't be mass produce for another... [looks at his watch] I'm definitely in an alternate Universe. The "UC" light on my watch has gone out. [Captain Synopsis sits, lost in thought.] Captain: That's it! I've got to find the other AX-Men! Surely they exist here. But how to reach them? [A white race car pulls up beside Captain Synopsis. the driver is very young and talkative.] Driver: Hi there! You look like you could use a hand. Captain: What makes you say that? Driver: For starters, you're sitting on a dead unicorn. Captain: Oh, so that's what broke my fall. Hope it wasn't the last unicorn. Driver: Where're ya headed? I'll give ya a lift? [Captain Synopsis gets in the car and starts to answer, but before he can, the driver resumes talking--faster and faster.] Driver: My name is Speed. What's yours? Oh, I notice you have an "AX" on your outfit. Do you know racer X? Big tall guy with a black mask. He wears an X too. I race against him a lot. He's pretty mysterious all right. I think he's my brother but I'm not sure... [Captain Synopsis stares at Speed] Speed: What is it? Captain: How do you DO that? Speed: Do what? Captain: Talk out of synch with your mouth movements? Speed: Golly, I just don't know. [As they drive along, they are buzzed by a very large blue plane that seems to catch fire as it flies off into the distance. Captain Synopsis is starting to fit the pieces together and mutters a short prayer.] Speed: Boy, look at that! I think I wanna fly someday. How bout you? Captain: Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. [Captain Synopsis remembers being bumped off the Hummingbird and falling towards his demise until he landed here.] [Speed continues talking. Constantly. It starts to get on the Captain's nerves.] Captain: [trying to get Speed to shut up] Let's see what's on the radio. [turns radio on.] Radio: [very off-key] It's touch and go.... but no one touches me... [Captain Synopsis clasps his hands to his ears, but he finds Speed singing along. Captain Synopsis desperately changes the station.] Radio: Fighting evil by moonlight, Winning love by daylight, Never running from a real fight... [Captain snaps the radio off...] Captain: [muttering] My god, this place is worse than I thought. Captain: [deciding to test a theory] So tell me, Speed, where can a fella get some anime around here? Speed: [confused] Ah..ni..may? Captain: You know--Japanese Animation. Speed: [looks horrified] Y--you're j-joking, right? Captain: Hardly. Speed: Lord Pockylips outlawed it ages ago. He decides what we get to see. those who resist are--it's too horrible to speak of. [he falls silent] [Captain Synopsis is torn. This is the first time in hours that the kid has been quiet, but he needs the information, so he presses on.] Captain: [softly] What, Speed? What happens to them? Speed: [stammering] Th..they're d-d-d-dubbed. Captain: Like you? Speed: [close to tears] Yes, like most of us. I REMEMBER speaking in time with my mouth movements, speaking another language, and having dialog that made sense. I also remember having decent plots. And how come half the signs are in a language NO ONE can read? Captain: You mean like that one? [he points to a sign in Japanese.] I can read it. Speed: You can? You've got to help us then. Captain: I'll try. But first I need to know more. Who is this Pockylips? Speed: He lives in the SDF tower in The City up north. Captain: The City? You mean San Francisco? Speed: That's what it used to be called. Before Pockylips took over. Before the cullings. Now it's called Tokyo Babylon-5. Captain: I see. Speed: Ever since some company refused to sell the rights to a particular show to the US, he's gone insane. He and his cronies have taken over the world. They buy up all the world's anime and hoard it. Captain: We'll see about that. [They arrive at Chris's College of Knowledge (CCC), the Home of the AX-Men--at least, in Captain Synopsis's universe...] II: Don't Turn Around... [Captain Synopsis walks up to the AX-Men's compound. It looks the same; he is comforted by the appearance of the old house. In fact, he had been unaware that this whole adventure had made him so homesick.] [He approaches and grasps the knob on the front door. Then stops suddenly.] Captain: Wait. What if there's already a me' in this Universe? What will happen if he and I meet? [He stops to ponder the laws of physics and the possible ramifications of time travel upon the Universe. He gets a headache.] Forget it! [He opens the door and walks in.] Captain: Hi.... uh... guys? [A strange familiar sight greets his eyes, both familiar and unfamiliar. All of the elements are there, but they are out of place. The posters on the wall are for Robotech and Akira--gone are the familiar smiling visages of Kyoko and the cast of Tenchi. Captain Synopsis looks around and sees mostly familiar faces, but strange costumes--different from the ones he was used to.] [He waits a moment, but they don't seem to notice him. They're all glued to computer screens playing computer games. Some things never change, he thinks. He notices NapMan, ComaBoy, Netcrawler, FanMan, and Badger. He decides to speak.] Captain: [calling out] Emmo! PitBull: Who're you? How'd you get in here? Captain: Emmo, it's me. It's-- [Emmo rushes him and attacks, knocking him to the ground.] PitBull: Don't know who this Badger is...the name's PitBull. And yours is gonna be dead meat. Captain: [Struggling with Pitbull] I don't have time for this. Please stop. [They continue struggling. Finally, Captain Synopsis fights back.] Captain: Enough! [He materializes a Nelsons' and knocks PitBull into a wall. He rises to his feet.] Can we please just stop this and... ProZac: Listen Buddy, I don't know who you are, but no one messes with the Japanamation-Men. [Captain Synopsis laughs so hard that it is an effort to remain standing upright.] Captain: You're kidding, right? You CAN'T be serious. [starts laughing again, and looks at the rest of them, noting their angry faces. He tries to stop laughing.] Oh, you ARE serious. [He suddenly feels a dull pain from behind and realizes he's being attacked.] PsiKick: PsiKick Wave! Captain: [Grabbing PsiKick from behind] Oh no you don't, Jen! [he tosses her over his shoulder and into Otakid.] PsiKick: [landing on her feet on top of Otakid] How did you know my name? Captain: I know all of your names. I come from a world much like yours, but also much different. On my world, you are known as the AX-Men. KomaKid: AX-Men? What, do you all wield axes or something. Captain: No. AX stands for Anime Expo, a convention devoted to Japanese Animation. And not this crappy dubbed stuff either--the real thing. Otakid: Whoa... cool. Your world sounds much better than ours. Captain: Well, in some respects, perhaps. I have noticed, however, that I don't seem to have a counterpart here. ProZac: Well, if things are as you say, the last thing that Lord Pockylips would allow is someone with the ability to translate accurately. You most probably were hunted down in the cullings and killed like a dog in the street. KomaKid: Yeah... ruff ruff... blam! Captain: Well thank you for that. ProZac: Seriously, though. You're in danger as long as you're here. You've gotta get home. [Digital turns away from his computer screen.] Digital: Pockylips is going to make an announcement over the medianet. [the JA-Men look somewhat frightened at this prospect.] Captain: What's the Medianet? Digital: Pockylips took over all the tv and radio stations--and even the internet. Captain: WHAT? Who does he think he is, Bill Gates? Digital: He works for Pockylips. Captain: I knew it. PsiKick: Shush, it's starting. [The grim visage of Pockylips appears and fills all of the screens in the home of the AX-Men--the TV's and the computer terminals. Even the Microwave.] Pockylips: Citizens, you have been told that I will take care of you as long as you do not oppose me... KomaKid: Uh oh... Pockylips: But this most recent transgression has forced me into showing my power. You know, no doubt, that I refer to the recent attempts of a small band of people in San Diego to start a Japanese animation club. A club that was designed to subvert me. I ask you, citizens, have I not provided for you and kept you well? [his face softens and he grabs another piece of pocky to stick in his mouth.] ProZac: This is gonna be bad.... Pockylips: But I must put this subversive behavior to rest, and make an example out of them so that peace may reign uninterrupted. [the TV monitor switches to a view of Mr. Scannerster, Pockylips' right-hand man.] Pockylips: Is all in readiness? Scannerster: Yes, Queen Beryl... I mean, Lord Pockylips. Pockylips: Then Fire the Colony Laser! What did you call m-- [Pockylips is drowned out by a great humming sound. The monitor switches to a view of San Diego. Suddenly from above comes a large pink beam of light that connects with the city and reduces it to so much ash in the space of a few seconds. The explosion is tremendous and all watching must shield their eyes.] [Captain Synopsis and PsiKick shudder.] Otakid: What is it? Captain & PsiKick: It felt like a million voices cried out in my mind and were suddenly silenced. Otakid: [Helpfully] Or it was that burrito you ate for lunch. [both glare at the boy.] ProZac: We've got to stop Pockylips. [yawns] But I'm so... [yawn] tired. Maybe later. [He falls asleep.] [Captain Synopsis rolls his eyes.] PsiKick: That's it! We're going after him. Everyone, to the Brunhilde! Captain: [confused] The what? Rubilee: It's our state-of-the art transport. Captain: [oh, ok.] PsiKick: And make sure that we've got ProZac this time. [At the Headquarters of Lord Pockylips in Tokyo-Babylon 5] [Pockylips sits on a throne comprised of Anime LD's. Surrounding him in the very large room is seemingly all of the world's anime in its original form. He sits, waving his arms in front of an object reminiscent of a crystal ball and brooding. Mr. Scannerster walks in.] Scannerster: Lord Pockylips [he bows ceremonially] Pockylips: [thinking out loud.] Man, what kinda lame-ass name is that? Yes, Scannerster? I hope that you have good news for me. Scannerster: Indeed I do. The web pages are online and the reports are in--San Diego has been completely obliterated. Pockylips: Good. I may have a lame name, but I can blow up whatever I want, whenever I want. Scanner: Indeed, Lord. Pockylips: [picking up a goblet] Have you succeeded in capturing the only one who can destroy me yet? Scanner: Alas, no Lord. But we did manage to capture that feral PitBull for a while and the results of his incarceration should prove most interesting. Pockylips: I have no patience for your games, Scannerster. Just get on with it. Scanner: Allow me to introduce to you--the Hungry Hunters! III: Let's Run Like Fools Towards the Danger [Aboard the Brunhilde, the AX-Men soar--very slowly--over California as they make their way towards Pockylips.] Captain: A balloon?!? Your state of the art transport' is a friggin' balloon? Give me strength. Digital: Well, the plane's in the shop... Rubilee: And so's the yacht. And we won't even talk about what Otakid did to the JA-Mobile. Otakid: Hey, how was I supposed to know that it wasn't seaworthy? PsiKick: Enough, all of you! PitBull, check on the ballast. [PitBull dutifully looks over the side at the ballast--ProZac and KomaKid--as they sway in the breeze.] PitBull: We're ok, boss. But I think we wanna bring them up pretty soon as we'll need to start our final descent. Digital: I can see it! There's his fortress. PsiKick: Make preparations for final descent. Rubilee: Oh joy. What preparations? We let the air out of the balloon. Ooh, so tough. Hold me back. [At Tokyo-Babylon 5] Scannerster: The JA-Men are here. They're trying to attack your fortress. Pockylips: Fools! It is futile to challenge the might of Pockylips! [He crushes the goblet in his hand.] I want them captured and brought before me--especially... Scannerster: Understood. Hungry Hunters, why don't you prepare a special welcome' for our guests? [The Hunters leave.] Pockylips: Aw jeez, could you have said something cheesier? How lame. [Outside the fortress. The balloon lands relatively easily. However, it collapses on the would-be heroes and they must extricate themselves from several hundred yards of balloon cloth.] PsiKick: Be ready for anything. [looks at KomaKid and ProZac, still sleeping and kicks them.] WAKE UP! Captain: We need to find the hoarded anime. My powers are fueled by Japanese, and I can't last much longer in this environment. PitBull: [sniffing] Can it--we got company. [A group steps from the shadows, revealing their presence.] Man: How perceptive, Dogboy. [The man looks exactly like PitBull, only he is dressed in a white suit and a flowing white cape. His hair is blonde and shoulder-length.] Otakid: Mr. Roarke? [Rubilee throws a spark at Otakid] Otakid: Ow... Rubilee: Then shut up. [The man takes another step and his face is illuminated. The JA-Men gasp. It's a dead ringer for PitBull.] PitBull: What is this? Man: I am Emmo Frost, leader of the Hungry Hunters. And these are my associates: GameBoy, Fushigi Udi, PCKitty, and Ch'ad. Hunters: In the name of Pocky, we will punish you! [The fight begins.] Rubilee: The chick's mine. [she attacks Fushigi Udi with her ruby bursts.] Fushigi: So you pit your powers against mine. Is this all you can do? Little flashy sparkles? They should have called you Lite Brite. Rubilee: So what are you trying to do, insult me to death? Fushigi: Mine is the Power Karmic! Rubilee: What does that mean? Fushigi: I dunno, exactly. Stuff just sorta happens. [a greenish mist rises from the ground near Fushigi Udi's feet.] [GameBoy leaps into the fray, but is sidelined by Digital, who is wielding the now-comatose Koma Kid like a baseball bat.] Digital: All right! Home run! PCKitty: Your computer prowess is renowned throughout this world. But I'm better. Digital: [flips him a quarter.] Here. PCKitty: What's this for? Digital: Call someone who cares. [shouting] Magical Computer Mime Attack! [four mimes telnet to the spot and begin assaulting PCKitty with their antics.] PCKitty: Very good, but like I said. I'm better. [He tries to snare digital with an Encapsulated Postscript File. Digital disappears from sight.] Digital: [ftps himself, reappearing behind PCKitty] Encryption Attack![He uuencodes PCKitty, turning him into a heap of numbers and letters.] [Meanwhile, Rubilee is still locked in battle with Fushigi Udi.] PitBull: What ARE you? Frost: I'm a clone. A genetically enhanced clone. I have all of your mutant abilities, but not you lousy fashion sense. PitBull: Why you sonuva.... [he lunges at Emmo Frost] [Frost deftly moves aside and zaps him with a telepathic bolt.] PitBull: Howdidyou...I can't... what's happening to...meeeee? Frost: I've mindlinked us and I'm assuming control of you. Soon the template will be gone, and I will be all that remains. PitBull: You think so, huh? [Emmo Frost screams in pain.] Frost: No--stop it! I can't shut you out... aargh! [The battle is waged within PitBull's mind. A dark and sarcastic place where nothing is as it seems. Frost cannot gain a foothold without encountering some base part of PitBull's personality that doesn't repulse him. His astral form flies from PitBull's mind, screaming.] PitBull: Whoa, just like Akira. [Frost collapses in a heap.] PsiKick: Captain Synopsis, scout ahead. I'll deal with Ch'ad. [PsiKick produces a psychic spatula and proceeds to flip Ch'ad, setting a new record for distance and having him land on Captain Synopsis.] Captain & Chad: Urk...grblg..... PsiKick: [to Ch'ad] Monster! What did you do to him? Ch'ad: Me? This is a classic case of transference. [PsiKick prepares to flatten Ch'ad again.] Captain: No, wait! In his mind. I see something. [he activates his telepathic powers by touching his forehead.] Captain: I see... a shining crystal. But wait... there's more. I can't make it out. Ch'ad: I didn't want to work for Pockylips. He made me. Brainwashed me with hours of Sailor Moon. Captain: That explains why you have sailor suits on your mind so much. Ch'ad: Actually, no, that's just a fetish. Captain: Anyway... Ch'ad: The crystal... The B'Enn crystal. Pockylips is using it to store the world's anime. PsiKick: So if we destroy the crystal... Ch'ad: The anime will be released to the rest of the world. Captain; Why does this sound familiar? Still, it's all we've got. PsiKick: JA-Men, this way. We've got work to do. [The JA-Men make their way to Apocalypse's inner chamber. There, in front of the throne, they find a large crystal ball--and lots of anime.] Ch'ad: That's the B'Enn crystal. Otakid: Holy! Look at all this stuff... Ch'ad: That is but a small fraction of what is contained in the crystal. [Pockylips' voice fills the room] Pockylips: Yes, but I'm afraid you won't be getting any of it. [Giant spears of Pocky drop from the ceiling, surrounding the JA-Men and trapping them in a chocolate-coated cage. Pockylips walks out to face his adversaries.] Pockylips: So, the mighty JA-Men are not so mighty after all. You thought that you could defeat me, the embodiment of all that is evil. But I have triumphed. Enjoy this night, as it will be your last. You won't even undergo the dubbing process--you'll be canceled. Otakid: We're doomed. KomaKid: No we're not. ProZac, wake up! ProZac: zzz... mmm... tapioca.... [drools.] KomaKid: Uh, Jen? PsiKick: My pleasure. [she tickles ProZac until he wakes up.] ProZac: Huh? What? Otakid: We're gonna be killed. ProZac: Is that all? [yawns] Digital: Use the MELON! PitBull: Melon? Otakid: Don't you mean the Medallion? Digital: No. [ProZac Produces a roundish looking melon and holds it up to the sky.] ProZac: By the power of the Blowmelon! Love! [A beam of light radiates from the melon and moves towards KomaKid] KomaKid: [Holding up another, smaller, melon.] Courage! [another beam moves towards Digital, who is holding still another melon.] Digital: And melons! [ProZac is surrounded in bright light, mercifully sparing the other JA-Men and Captain Synopsis and Ch'ad from his magical transformation.] ProZac: In the name of love, courage, and fruit--I am Super Magical Zeta Prince Melon! Pockylips: [in horror] No. They've discovered the secret. Scannerster, help me! [Unbeknownst to Pockylips, Scannerster saw all of this coming and decided to beat a hasty retreat back to the East Coast lest he get caught up in all this.] Prince Melon: Your time is over, Pockylips! Melon Arrow! [the melon turns into a bow and arrow (with a melon at the end)]. Prince: Melon Shooooooot! [the melon collides with Pockylips and sends him crashing into the B'Enn crystal.] Ch'ad: The crystal! It's cracking! Our universe will be overrun. [Images and sounds pour from the crystal. Misa Hayase. Tsukino Usagi. The Mach-5. The God-Phoenix. Bubblegum Crisis Music.] PsiKick: What do we do? The universe is going to be overrun. Captain: Not if I can help it. [now barely strong enough to stand, he feels for the first time since his arrival here, invigorated. He is being energized by all the Japanese pouring from the crystal.] [Captain Synopsis rises in front of the crystal and grasps it, mentally forcing the cracks to heal. But a strong power surge knocks him off balance and the crystal explodes. A swirling vortex appears behind them.] Captain: Hear me, JA-Men. No longer am I the man you knew. I am fire--and anime incarnate. But my place is no longer here. I must return to my own world. Pockylips may have been transported there through the crystal. I must pursue him lest he try to destroy my world as he did yours. PsiKick: But what about this rift in the time-space continuum? Captain: Oh this, I can close that from the other side. Which, I can see, is my own Universe. Convenient how things worked out, is it not? I wish you well. JA-Men: Bye Captain Synopsis! Captain: Now and forever, I am-- [Before he can finish his speech, he is sucked through the vortex.] - FIN - Copyright 1996 by Charles McCarter