The

by

Captain Synopsis

(sometimes known as Charles McCarter)

This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons, living or dead, is the product of your own deranged imagination and paranoia. Please don't sue me.

I would like to dedicate this to all the people who have become, either knowingly or unwittingly, players in this tale. They have demonstrated the ability to laugh at themselves and the ability to let me get away with it (at least up until now).

They have also proven to be some of the greatest friends a mutant superbeing could ever hope to have. They're the best and I couldn't wish for better friends...

(After this is widely read, it remains to be seen as to whether I'll be invited back to LA ever again).

Copyright © 1995 by Charles McCarter

The Players:

The AX-Men

Real Name:	Darold Higa

Powers:	Has the ability to sleep through anything and put others to sleep at will...Usually by telling stories about magical girls anime.

Special

attack:	When two of his closest friends are present, he can transform into Super Sailor Napman. This is usually enough to frighten even the fiercest foes. The problem is that these two closest friends are ComaBoy and Netcrawler, and ComaBoy is seldom conscious and Netcrawler is seldom around.

Napman is the former leader of the AX-Men, however, his inability to make command decisions while unconscious (eg, using his mutant power) made life difficult for his fellow AX-Men. He is, however, one of the most skilled strategists ever to take a nap in the middle of a battle, and is currently the Field Lieutenant of the AX-Men.

Real Name:	Taku Otsuka

Powers:	Has the ability to render himself inert through sleeping. While sleeping, ComaBoy is invulnerable to physical attack.

Previous

Codenames:	Doorstop, Speedbump

ComaBoy possesses the awesome power of invulnerability. However, it comes with a price. ComaBoy can only access his mutant power while sleeping. This differs from NapMan, whose mutant power actually IS sleeping. When ComaBoy sleeps, the molecules in his body become incredibly dense, thus rendering him impervious to physical harm. It also makes him a great projectile weapon, especially in the skilled hands of Jenlocke.

Of course, since sleeping enables his power, he is only of normal strength when awake. Once ComaBoy was captured by the members of Y.A.M. and the successfully held him captive for several days by feeding him no-doze pills and caffeine; as a result, he was unable to access his mutant ability and escape. He was, however, rescued by his comrades and immediately fed a large helping of valium.

ComaBoy always carries a supply of sleeping pills with him on missions for emergencies.

Real Name:	Charles McCarter

Powers:	Alpha Level Telepath (What does that mean? It's a plot device--pretty much anything I want it to). Also pretty handy when it comes to translating and materializing and telekinetically throwing dictionaries.

Captain Synopsis is the current leader of the AX-Men, and is responsible for many of the recent changes that have taken place. He has, for example, redesigned the AX-Men's airship, the Hummingbird, including the cool pink 8-foot Hummingbird that allows it to blend in as it flies across the sky. His powers are telepathic/telekinetic in nature; although he is an alpha level telepath, prolonged use of his powers gives him a migraine and makes him extremely cranky.

Captain synopsis also possess the mutant power of translation.

Real Name:	Jennifer Au

Powers:	Can turn any piece of furniture into a weapon. This is a lot more impressive than one would originally believe.

Jenlocke is currently the only active female of the AX-Men. However, if she has her way this is going to change. Normally quiet and affable, when angered, her wrath his feared throughout the AX-Mansion. Jenlocke's powers first manifested during AnimeExpo 95 where she almost destroyed the unsuspecting Captain Synopsis with a chair. Since then, she has been recruited by her victim to become the newest AX-Man. Currently she is undergoing training in both Ninja Skills and Woodworking.

Real Name:	Dickinson Lo

Powers:	Unknown. The newest and youngest Member of the AX Men, FanMan's powers have yet to develop fully. His ego, however is fully intact. He has demonstrated mild telekinesis, the ability to detect fanboys at 500 yards, and the limited ability to psychically control fanboys with IQ's under 100.

Previous

Codename:	FanBoy

Rejected

Codenames:	The Dweeb, NerdMan, HoBoy!, and Chicolate

Perhaps the strangest of the AX-Men is the erratic FanMan. The youngest of the AX-Men, he is constantly trying to show his maturity and development of his powers. Unfortunately, this often does more harm than good. In a recent example, he attempted to use a horde of fanboys to overrun an enemy, but the psychic strain was too much and they overran both him and the other AX-Men instead. For now, he is temporarily on probation. It remains to be seen whether he will get the AX. ( oooh... bad).

Real Name:	Emerson (unknown if it is his first or last name)

Powers:	Razor-Sharp verbal assaults rip through his enemies like butter. He can demoralize a foe from 50 yards if they are caught with their defenses down.

Although little is known about the mysterious Hawaiian known as Emerson, he is easily recognized by his distinctive footwear and his sarcasm and cynicism are legendary. Sometimes he's kind of a downer to be around, especially before a battle. His constant "We're not going to win..." and "That's it...I'm going home." Tend to wear on the other's nerves. However, when the chips are down, Badger can always be counted on to come through for his friends.

Real Name:	Ken Kindsfater

Powers:	This German Mutant possess the power to tap into electrical and computer systems of all kinds. Problem is that sometimes it takes a power outage to get him away from the terminal screen.

Netcrawler has often been described as the most antisocial of the AX-Men. This assessment is somewhat unfair. As one of the few AX-Men with a real job, the demands on his time are great. However, it is true that he would often rather interface with a computer rather than another of his own (mutant) kind. This is perhaps in part due to his failed romance with another Engineer that ended in her throwing a drink in his laptop. The other AX-Men are making an effort to include Netcrawler in their social activities (and missions), especially since he's the only one who can work the ATM's.

The Bad Guys...

The Y.A.M. (Yapping Anti-Mutants)

Longtime foes of the AX-Men, the members of the Y.A.M. seek nothing short of the group's destruction. Luckily, disorganization and the fact that they are a bunch of losers who have the combined IQ of a shoe tree have kept the AX-Men on top. It's not hard to be the best when your competition names themselves after a tuber, after all....

Part the First: Arrival of a FanBoy

[Opening Scene: Morning. The sun shines brightly over the vast expanse of the campus of Chris's College of Knowledge (CCC), headquartered somewhere in LA county [well, I can't give away the location of the base, can I?]. For all appearances, this is a second-rate community college tucked away into a quiet little suburb of a major metropolis. However, it is also home to those champions of Japanese Animated Justice, the AX-Men!]

[Cut to scenes of the various AX-Men: NapMan is sleeping. (Surprise). ComaBoy is also sleeping, and Jenlocke is using him as a jack to prop her car up while she changes a tire with her telekinetic abilities. Badger is in the sound-proof echo chamber hurling practice invectives at holographic sound-sensitive opponents. Netcrawler is logged in, eyes glued to the computer screen as he attempts to repair Eve, the AX-Men's computer. Captain Synopsis is nowhere to be seen.]

[Captain Synopsis is seen sneaking into NapMan's room and shuffling through his ChaCha LD's while Napman sleeps. He exits the room stealthily, only to find his path blocked by Jenlocke, who is brandishing ComaBoy like a baseball bat.]

Jenlocke:	Just what do you think you're doing?

Captain:	He said I could borrow his ChaCha LD's.

Jenlocke:	Then why were you sneaking into his room?

Captain:	I... didn't want to wake him.

Jenlocke:	Yeah, right... As if any force on earth could wake NapMan during a Power Nap. Step away from the LD's.

Captain:	Must I remind you that I'm the Team Leader?

[Jenlocke is not satisfied with his response, and threatens Captain Synopsis with ComaBoy. ComaBoy begins to stir]

Jenlocke:	Aw jeez....

[Coma Boy rubs his eyes and looks around sleepily. Seeing Jenlocke and Captain Synopsis about to engage in combat, he does what comes naturally--goes back to sleep.]

Jenlocke and

Captain:	[sighs]

[NapMan hugs his pillow and giggles.]

Captain:	Well, he's not going to be up anytime soon. Want some coffee?

Jenlocke:	Sounds good.

[Netcrawler ftps himself into the room]

Netcrawler:	Jen, you've got a phone call. I think it's you-know-who.

[Jenlocke, the telekinetic battle-hardened ninja AX-Man, giggles like a schoolgirl and runs to the phone.]

Captain:	Who's "you know who"?

Netcrawler:	It's not for me to say, Herr Captain. You will find out, in time.

Captain:	[*sighs*] Right, whatever. Any luck repairing Eve?

Netcrawler:	I'm afraid, right now, that she's got more bugs than Windows 95.

Captain:	[sighs] Why can't anything on this stupid team ever be easy?

[A door slams shut. A steady stream of curses, insults, and invectives is heard.]

Netcrawler:	[loudly] In here, Badger!

Badger:	Do you have any idea what is going on with the entertainment systems?

Captain:	No... what is it?

Badger:	Well, apparently someone has moved something from Mars to Jupiter, and didn't tell the people in Venus. Dammit, Captain, I'm a mutant, not a miracle worker!

Captain:	What is this, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius? Speak English, man!

Badger:	The AV system's hosed.

Captain:	Ah. Thanks for the technical explanation. Can you fix it?

Badger:	What? That does it...I'm going home!

Netcrawler &

Captain:	You ARE home!

Badger:	Oh yeah, right...

[Everyone stares at NapMan as the giggling gets louder. ComaBoy wakes up for real this time.]

ComaBoy:	[sleepily] What's goin' on, guys?

Captain:	Exposition, mostly.

ComaBoy:	Do you need me for any of this?

Netcrawler:	Not right now, no... but don't wander too far.

Badger:	Too late, he's out already...

Netcrawler:	What, out the door?

Badger:	No, out cold.

[ComaBoy is asleep in the hallway. Jenlocke returns from her phone call and, apparently forgetting all of her ninja training, trips over the inert ComaBoy and crashes to the floor. She picks herself up and dusts herself off.]

Jenlocke:	[threatening] Not a word.

Netcrawler:	[suppressing a smile] Well, back to work.

[He FTP's himself out of the room, and down the hall, boisterous laughter can be heard.]

Jenlocke:	Excuse me for a minute. [hollering down the hall] Netcrawler, you're dead!

[Major thumping and banging sounds occur. Jenlocke returns, seemingly unscathed.]

Jenlocke:	We'll need to get new furniture for the rec room.

Badger:	That's it...I'm going....

[Badger is interrupted by the phone ringing]

Badger:	To answer the phone.

Jenlocke:	Allow me.

[She uses her telekinetic power to answer the phone, and simultaneously attempt to garrotte Badger in the process.]

Jenlocke:	I see... uh huh... ok.. when? Sure... no problem... thanks for calling. Bye.

Captain:	Who was that?

Jenlocke:	The new guy. Says he'll be here as soon as his mom can drop him off.

Badger:	ANOTHER new guy? This'll never work.

Captain:	Badger, you know that the fight for Japanese Animation Justice is never-ending. Do you really want to be doing this when you're old and gray? Well, oldER and grayER? We need to train the next generation of AX-Men.

Badger:	[sighs] Why me?

Captain:	Think of this as having someone else to beat up.

Badger:	Oh, ok... [his eyes glow with anticipation.]

[The AX-Men's Dangerous Room. The AX-Men are about to begin a battle simulation. The Dangerous Room is a combination of robotics and holographic projection, mostly pirated by Netcrawler from Microsoft, with a few extra "surprises" thrown in.]

[The AX-Men stand in the center of the room, waiting for the session to begin.]

Netcrawler:	[from up in the control room, over PA]: Is everyboty reaty?

Badger:	Let's just get this over with.

Captain:	Nice attitude, Badger.

Badger:	You want attitude? I'll show you atti--

[Badger is cut off by the beginning of a simulation. The AX-Men are faced with a Giant Man-Eating Potato!]

Jenlocke:	Yuk. Who thought this up?

Netcrawler:	Well, our adversary is YAM, right?

ComaBoy:	So, are we fighting their mascot, or what?

NapMan:	I feel like I'm in an Ed Wood movie.

ComaBoy:	Then where's your angora sweater?

NapMan:	You Bastard! [he lashes out with his mutant power, and ComaBoy falls asleep.]

[Meanwhile, the other AX-Men have their hands full with the Giant Potato.]

Captain:	I can't get a fix on its mind...why am I not surprised?

Badger:	Who cares? Time to make Potato Salad!

[Badger and Jenlocke rush in to engage the tuber in physical combat. After a valiant effort on their parts, the potato's skin appears to be preventing the potato from taking any damage.]

Captain:	NapMan, I'm open to suggestions.

NapMan:	Well, if we consider the sum of the force being directed at the potato as a sine wave, and the potato skin being the inverse opposite of the cosine at T, then we find that...

Captain:	[Starts to nod off] Hey! Watch it! Your power's affecting ME now!

NapMan:	Oh, sorry.... [he concentrates]. If we hit it with one direct shot in the exact middle, it should explode.

Netcrawler:	Ewww...

Captain:	I know, it's a drastic solution, but it's our only hope. Jenlocke, Badger, disengage the enemy and come here!

[The AX-Men gather, and the Captain and NapMan relay the plan. They then move swiftly into action. Netcrawler FTP's some cable into the room and uses it to bind the leviathan potato, providing his teammates with a better chance at a direct hit. Badger, meanwhile, taunts the potato to keep it off guard.]

Badger:	Your mother was a vegetable!

NapMan:	[trying to use his powers on the potato] I can't make it sleep...but I can make it a bit.. groggy... Strain...excessive...

Captain:	Hold on, NapMan! I'll assist you. [Captain Synopsis forms a psibond with NapMan to help him combat the mental fatigue.] Jenlocke, NOW!

[On cue, Jenlocke hurls the comatose, and thus invulnerable, ComaBoy, into the center of the spud. There is a great explosion and the Dangerous Room fills with potato pieces.]

Badger:	Not bad, but had this been a REAL battle....

Captain:	We probably wouldn't have been fighting a giant potato. Let's get this mess cleaned up!

NapMan

ComaBoy

and Badger:	Food Fight!

[Captain Synopsis sighs]

[Later, after everyone has finished cleaning up the Dangerous Rooms and themselves, they are hanging out, waiting for the new guy to arrive. Netcrawler and Badger are playing Gloom, and NapMan and ComaBoy are (surprise, surprise!) sleeping. Captain Synopsis is looking very bored and Jenlocke is doing ninja stuff (don't ask me...)]

[The Doorbell rings. No one moves to answer it.]

Captain:	Don't all jump up at once, I'll get it.

[Captain Synopsis opens the door to find two people standing there.]

Captain:	Um...yes? [Clearly, he thinks, this is not the new arrival.]

First Guy:	Good afternoon, sir? May we ask you, have you found The Lord?

Captain:	Excuse me?

Second Guy:	The Lord... The Holy Roller...

Captain:	Ah... I'm afraid I don't have much time for things like that, being a superhero and all.

First Guy:	A superhero? Who are you guys?

Captain:	We're the AX-Men!

Badger:	Wanna make somethin' of it, bub?

Second Guy:	Never heard of you.

Badger:	That's it! Let me handle these losers, boss. [to the guys] So you believe in God, do ya? Good. Start prayin'...

[The two guys run off down the street with Badger giving chase.]

[The Doorbell rings again.]

Captain:	[muttering] this had better be him....

[He opens the door to find a young looking guy in a pair of Khaki shorts and a ChaCha T-shirt.]

NewGuy:	You Captain Synopsis?

Captain:	Yes, and you must be....

New Guy:	[Interrupting] You can call me FanMan.

Jenlocke:	[looking him up and down] Looks more like FanBOY to me. [she giggles]

FanMan:	Hey!

Netcrawler:	So what exactly do you do? I mean, what are your powers?

FanMan:	Well, you know, I'm not exactly sure.

NapMan:	Oi! Oh well, maybe we can use him as a mascot.

[Badger returns]

Badger:	Those guys won't be giving us any trouble for a while. Where's the grunt?

FanMan:	Hello, I'm FanMan.

Badger:	Aw, jeez... When you said, 'young,' I didn't think you meant 'toddler.'

Jenlocke:	What's the matter, old timer? Afraid he'll be better than you?

Badger:	Lady, I'm the best there is at what I do.

Captain:	We all are... that's why we're a TEAM remember?

Badger:	Aw, shut up.

Captain:	Excuse me?

Badger:	You heard me. I'm tired of this...the housework, the laundry, the never-ending speeches. Why, maybe I oughtta--

[Captain Synopsis materializes a Nelson's Kanji Dictionary and telekinetically shoves it into Badger's mouth.]

Badger:	mmph! mmmmphghghph! MMMPGHH!

Captain:	Now, FanBoy--er, FanMan--You've met Badger. Let me introduce you to the rest of your fellow AX-Men.

Part the Second:

Much like Part the First, Only Moreso

[The AX-Men are assembled in the control area of the Dangerous Room. The test subject, FanMan is still attempting to explain the nature of his unstable powers.]

Captain:	So, what exactly is it that you do?

FanMan:	I already TOLD you--I'm not sure. You're the ones who recruited me.

Badger:	He does have a point. By the way, who DID recruit this guy?

Captain:	[shrugs] Not I. [he looks at the sleeping figures of NapMan and ComaBoy] And I'd lay odds that it wasn't either of them.

Jenlock:	Don't look at me...I may be Vice-Leader of the team, but I don't do recruiting. I did, however, want to show you the proofs of our new AX-Men T-shirts. [she holds up a shirt].

[Small round of applause]

Netcrawler:	Nice going, Jen. But who recruited the kid here?

FanMan:	I am NOT a kid!

Badger:	Oh yeah? How old are you?

FanMan:	I'll be twenty-one next July.

[the AX-Men sigh in unison.]

FanMan:	Besides, I was approached by some bald guy in a wheelchair. Had this really long Japanesey name. I think it started with a T... T... Takenaka...no, Takazawa.. no, Teriyaki? Yeah...that's it. Professor Teriyaki.

Netcrawler:	You mean MR. Teriyaki, don't you? He never finished his dissertation. But the last time we saw him, he wasn't bald OR in a wheelchair. What gives?

Captain:	Flag on the play... would somebody mind telling me what's going on?

Jenlocke:	Oh, that's right... you haven't met Mr. T.

Captain:	Mr.T.? I'm not sure I want to....

Netcrawler:	Eve, access file on Mr. T.

Eve:	Certainly.... Accessing.

[lots of cool whirring noises and stuff. A holographic female figure appears and begins speaking.]

Eve:	Mr. T., televison personality in the mid to late 1980's. Credits include The A-Team,...

Netcrawler:	[interrupting, exasperated] The OTHER Mr. T.

Eve:	One moment... [a 'please stand by' sign appears on screen, and Himitsu Kudasai plays in the background.]

Eve:	Mr. T...also known as Mr. Teriyaki. Real Name: Mike Tatsugawa. Founder of the AX-Men. It was his dream that anime fans and non-anime fans could live in peace. He gathered together anime fans with extra powers and formed an elite fighting force to combat the forces of ignorance and intolerance. Mr. T's mutant powers include telepathy and coercion; his telepathic rating is Alpha-1.

Captain:	[visibly impressed] Wow... so much power. So many dreams. What happened to him?

Jenlocke:	He went insane.

Captain:	Huh?

[Napman and ComaBoy stir and awaken].

Napman:	More precisely, he fell in love with an alien princess and left earth to go bounding about the galaxy with her. He just up and left, but not before leaving me in charge.

Jenlocke:	Like I said, he went insane.

Captain:	Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else so far, including that Sailor Moon Yoma Couch upstairs...

[at the mention of Sailor Moon, FanMan starts to drool...]

Netcrawler:	Ew, gross....

Badger:	I HOPE that's not his power....

NapMan:	We'll all have to start wearing rubbers....

[everyone looks at him strangely]

NapMan:	You know, like GALOSHES!

[everyone continues to stare at NapMan]

NapMan:	It's BRITISH! Read a book!

[Suddenly, five mysterious zombie-like figures appear in the Dangerous Room. The begin to make a mess of the control room.]

Captain:	Cripes... we've got to stop them.

NapMan:	Leave it to me... [he uses his power to put them to sleep, but they appear immune.]

Jenlocke:	Look at their foreheads. See the "F"'s?

ComaBoy:	Oh no, Con-going Anime Fan Zombies!

Captain:	Goddess protect us...

Netcrawler:	We haff got to get zem out of hier!

[Netcrawler summons up his strength, and manages to FTP the intruders into the Dangerous Room, where the can do less harm.]

Jenlocke:	I'm on it... NapMan, put ComaBoy out. [Jenlocke grabs the sleeping coma boy and leaps from the control room into the Dangerous Room below. She engages the Fan-zombies].

Jenlocke:	Kiyaa! Hiyaa!

[She pummels them pretty good, but they keep getting up.]

Badger:	All right! [He leaps into the fray and begins to pummel the zombies as well.] I've always wanted to do this.

[Netcrawler begins repairing the computer. Captain Synopsis looks at FanMan and notices that he is still in his drooly trance.]

Captain:	FanMan? FanMan!?

[He gets no response. Meanwhile, the zombies keep coming, and it is clear that Jenlocke and Badger will not be able to hold them off forever...]

Captain:	I've got to enter his mind.

NapMan:	Ewww....

Captain:	Tell me about it, but it's our only hope.

[Switch to FanMan's mind. The Astral Version of Captain Synopsis appears. he takes a step and something goes 'squish.']

Captain:	Great... I'm hear two seconds and I'm already grossed out.

[The Captain looks up and takes his first good look at the Mind of FanMan, who apparently is one truly twisted individual. He notices that there are lots of girls running around--oddly enough, all in Sailor suits. Even the animals are dressed in sailor suits, the Captain notices as a dog walks by.]

Captain:	[thinking] Even the animals are dressed in sailor suits. This is weird....

Captain:	FanMan? Where are you?

[The Captain hears distant singing in the background, and decides to wend his way through the hordes of sailor suit-clad girls, dogs, and trees towards the sound of the voice. As he gets closer, he realizes that it's off-key. Still, he thinks, the girl who is singing has a nice voice.]

Captain:	[thinking] The girl who is singing has a nice voice.

[The Captain approaches a large circle of girls and realizes that the singing is coming from the middle. He decides to levitate over the group to see what's going on. After all, it is his only lead in finding FanMan. He is not prepared for the sight that greets him, however, and is shocked.]

Captain:	[thinking] I'm shocked!

[In the middle of the circle is a karaoke machine, and the singer is not a girl, as Captain Synopsis thought, but rather, it's FanMan, decked out in a sailor suit. The girls are all dancing around him and clapping and laughing.]

Captain:	[thinking] This is sick. I've got to get him out of here. [calling] FanMan! FANMAN!

[FanMan does not seem to hear the Captain, so he decides to take direct action. He floats down and grabs him by the ear and drags him back to the physical plane. All the while, FanMan continues singing.]

FanMan:	[singing off-key] Fushigi na kiseki kurosu shite, nandomo meguriau....

[Back on the physcial plane, FanMan and the Captain return to their respective bodies. The Captain feels seriously ill.]

FanMan:	Wha--? Where am I?

Captain:	[moaning] oooooh....ugh. FanMan, can you stop the Zombies?

FanMan:	The wha?

[Netcrawler turns FanMan's head in the direction of the Zombies]

FanMan:	Oh... Those guys? Sure.... [he concentrates... suddenly the Zombies are all wearing Sailor Suits. They are still, however, trying to trash the AX-Men.]

Jenlocke:	[shouting] What are you doing up there?

NapMan:	Have patience, we're doing our best.

Badger:	What? Giving them matching outfits? That's your best? Help me... [sighs]

Captain:	FanMan, make them stop....

FanMan:	Ok.

[He grabs the microphone and starts singing. The Zombies stop fighting and start doing a badly choreographed dance. When the song ends, they disappear.]

Jenlocke:	What in the name of...?

NapMan:	I think we've just discovered FanMan's power.

ComaBoy:	That's a power? Bad singing? It didn't work for Milli Vanilli or Minmay.

[Captain Synopsis crashes to the floor.]

Netcralwer:	What is it?

Captain:	The Strain. FanMan's mind... is a sick and twisted place. Had to maintain psishields or risk being corrupted. Sailor suits...everywhere.

NapMan:	Doesn't sound so bad to me.

Captain:	On dogs....cats...

ComaBoy:	oh...

Captain:	On.....him... [he points feebly to FanMan and passes out.]

NapMan:	Ewww...

[NapMan grins and blushes, embarrassed.]

ComaBoy:	Do you think the Captain will pull through?

Badger:	I dunno. It sounded pretty hideous.

FanMan:	Hey!

Part the Third

In Which the AX-Men face Their Most Evil Threat

[It is a bright sunny day on the campus of Chris' College of Knowledge. At Ikkoku-kan, the AX-
Men are taking a break. They have had to go into several battles understaffed, since Captain Synopsis is still suffering from being inside FanMan's Mind and Badger mysteriously ran off for two weeks. Nevertheless, the AX-Men triumphed.1 Exhausted, they enjoy a little bit of downtime.]

Jenlocke:	Gee, I wonder where Badger is. He's been gone a really long time.

[The door opens and Badger walks in.]

ComaBoy:	[pointing] right there.

Jenlocke:	Well thank you for that.

[An elderly looking grey squirrel appears in the window.]

Squirrel:	Hey! That's my line!

[NapMan walks in]

NapMan:	Hey, Emmo.

[NapMan grabs a Thai Iced Tea from the fridge and starts playing Gundam GX.]

ComaBoy:	NapMan, how's Captain Synopsis doing?

[Napman is busy crushing the AEUG forces with the Jion Empire and doesn't seem to hear. ComaBoy throws FanMan at him. FanMan crashes into NapMan and promply falls asleep, due to his proximity to NapMan.]

ComaBoy:	That felt good! I'm usually the one being thrown. He's kinda heavy, though... I think I hurt myself.

NapMan:	WHAT?

ComaBoy:	How is Captain Synopsis? You went upstairs to check on him, right?

NapMan:	[distracted] Uh yeah...sure.. he's fine.

ComaBoy:	If you say so.

[Captain Synopsis appears at the top of the stairs. Attempting to make a dignified entrance, he slips and tumbles down the stairs like Jerry Lewis.]

NapMan:	[without looking up] I told you he was ok...

Captain:	I sense a strange disturbance. As if some greeat psychic presence is bearing down upon us. We need to be ready for this. [he sees FAnMan asleep] [annoyed] will someone please wake up FanMan?

[Badget tries, but is unsuccessful. He even punches him a few times, but the blows do not return the sleeping mutant to consciousness.]

Netcrawler:	Let me try... [he leans over FanMan and whispers] LaLa... It's LaLa...

[FanMan sits up so fast that he whacks heads with Nectcrawler]

Netcrawler:	Ouch!

FanMan:	Huh?

Captain:	The presence is approaching...it's coming up to the front door.

Badger:	Let's use him as a human shield. [grabs FanMan]

FanMan:	Uh... Let's vote on it.

Captain:	OK. All those in favor of using FanMan as a human shield.

[Every hand in the room goes up, including FanMan's.]

Fanman:	[looking at his hand] D'oh! [he quickly puts his hand down.

Badger:	OK, here we go....

[There is a knock at the door. Badger, hiding behind Human Shield FanMan, opens the door. There sits a balding man in a wheelchair. Several seconds pass before anyone says anything.

ComaBoy:	M--M--M--Mr. T!

Captain:	Oh stop it, you sound like Sewer Urchin!

Netcrawler:	[mocking] Very bad.. yes, that's v-very bad...

Jenlocke:	I don't believe it.

Badger:	Boy, you look terrible.

Jenlocke:	[hitting Badger] Badger! Behave.

Mr.T.:	No, he's right. A lot has happened since we last were together. It's good to be home.

Badger:	What do you mean 'home'? When you left, you forgot to leave us money to pay the mortgage, so the bank foreclosed on "Teriyaki's School for Above-Average Persons of Non-Normal Nature." We were HOMELESS until we relocated to LA. We were living in a studio apartment for cryin' out loud!

Mr.T:	[sighs] You're right. I have neglected you, my AX-Men.

[Up until this point, Captain Synopsis has stayed in the background, letting the others get reacquainted with their old teacher.]

Captain:	[clearing throat.] Ahem...

NapMan:	Ah... Um, Mr.T., this is Captain Synopsis. He's the current leader of the group.

Mr.T.:	[surprised] What happened?

NapMan:	Well, being unconscious makes rendering command deicision difficult. And, uh, well, he's the only guy who wanted the job.

Captain:	Gee, you really know how to make a guy feel wanted.

NapMan:	Oh..sorry.

Captain:	[extending his hand] Nice to meet you, sir.

Mr.T.:	Likewise. Tell me, how is it that you escaped my mutant detection system? I'm sure I would have recruited you.

Captain:	I'm not sure...

ComaBoy:	But we wanna hear about you. What happened to you? Why are you back? Where did your hair go?

Mr.T.:	Ah yes...

[People start gathering on the sidewalk and pointing and staring.]

Jenlocke:	Perhaps we should have this conversation elsewhere--like inside. The neighbors are starting to give us strange looks.

Badger:	I'll take care of that.... [Picks up FanMan and hurls him at the gathering crowd.] G'wan! Scat! Get away!

[FanMan hits the pavement with a dull thud.]

[The crowd however, does not disperse, and instead intensifies its interest in our heroes, such as they are...]

FanMan:	[yelling back to the group] Leave this to me...

[FanMan pulls a karaoke microphone out of apparently nowhere, but which will actually be explained to be a secret dimension later on. Trust me on this. {ed note: this is Dangling Plot Thread #1}]

FanMan:	[begins singing] "Oboete imasu ka...."

[switches to falsetto] "Ah... hitoribochi ja nai...anata ga iru kara..."

[This singing triggers a flashback in Captain Synopsis, due to his recent excursion into FanMan's so-called mind. He clasps his hands to his ears and runs inside. The others quickly follow his lead. Inside, the others continue their discussion. FanMan rejoins them as soon as he regains consciousness.]

Mr.T:	Well, I was traveling the galaxy with my true love and things got rough. That's what happened to my hair...I pulled most of it out in frustration.

[everyone looks on in bewilderment.]

NapMan:	But why are you in this chair, Mr. T? I mean, what happened to your legs?

Mr.T:	Also the result of my unahappy love affair. I really don't wanna talk about it right now.

NapMan:	Oh...I'm...uh...sorry.

ComaBoy:	[trying to be sympathetic] Women.. you can't live with em, and you can't bororw their clothes without them getting all mad at you.

Everyone:	WHAT!?!

Jenlocke:	ComaBoy no BAKA! [she pounds ComaBoy with a pair of pumps].

Mr.T:	[sighs] At least I still have my baby, right Bear? [he looks down and realizes that Bear is missing.] Bear? BEAR?

[Suddenly, there is a squeal of tires. The AX-Men run outside, only to find a car pulling away.]

Badger:	It's a LEXUS!

FanMan:	[At this point, FanMan utters something that will profoundly influence his position in the AX-Men.] So?

NetCrawler:	You idiot! It can only mean....

Jenlocke,

ComaBoy,

and 'Crawler:	LEXUS LUTHOR!

NapMan:	Our oldest and deadliest foe.

Mr.T:	[sobbing] Bear... I want Bear Back. [switching to authoritative mode] AX-Men, you must retrieve BEAR from the clutches of that evil villain.

ComaBoy:	Again???

Badger:	No way, man. I thought you were over this codependency thing.

Jenlocke:	Come on, he needs our help. Look at him--he's pathetic. [to Mr.T] No offense, sir.

NapMan:	Yes, Jenlocke is right. Evil is just plain BAD. We can't allow the forces of evil to triumph in our own home. This isn't about neuroses or psychological disorders or enabling--it's about something far more important.

FanMan:	Friendship?

Jenlocke:	True Love?

Captain:	No, and stop with the Princess Bride references.

NapMan:	What I'm talking about is REVENGE!!! Let's move...

Captain:	We'll take the Hummingbird. We can track Lexus using the alien technology we recently installed.

Mr.T:	What, the stuff I brought back from the Ai'yaa homeworld?

Netcrawler:	No, Windows 95.

Captain:	[sighing] Whatever... Let's go!

[The AX-Men board the Hummingbird. Cool theme music plays as they take off and streak across the sky.]

NetCrawler:	I've got a fix on Lexus's position, sir.

FanMan:	Is that "Lexus's" or "Lexus'"?

Jenlocke:	Who cares? [She whacks FanMan]

Mr.T:	[wailing] Bear!!

Captain:	OK, Crawler. Relay the info to NapMan and ComaBoy since they're piloting the plane.

NetCrawler:	[into the headset] Copy that, NapMan and ComaBoy? Hard right... We're losing her.

[The plane continues traveling in a straight line.]

NetCrawler:	NapMan, Comaboy...can you hear me?

[Silence]

Mr.T:	[still wailing] BEAR!

NetCrawler:	Verdammt Madonna Microphones.

[The Hummingbird suddenly begins a rapid downward descent.]

NetCrawler:	I'll take care of this. [He ftp's himself to the cockpit.]

Netcrawler:	[via intercom] Captain, ve have a problem hier. [Snoring is heard in the background.] They've fallen asleep and one of them is leaning on the controls.

Jenlocke:	[screaming into the headset] Well get them off of it!!!

NetCrawler:	Good plan! [sounds of bodies moving across the floor of an airplane are heard]. Ja, ve are done hier. But ve still have a problem. The flaps are stuck.

Mr.T:	[sobbing] BEAR!!!

[Badger pushes Mr. T a soundproof room and shuts the door.]

Badger:	We've gotta get those flaps unstuck or we'll all have a serious height deficiency by the time this is all over. I'll go.

Captain:	No. You don't stand a chance out there. I'm the one best suited to this mission. My telekinetic shields will keep me anchored and safe, and so will this rope that FanMan will be holding.

FanMan:	Huh?

Captain:	[tying rope around his waste] Don't try and talk me out of this, you guys. This is something I've got to do. Though the danger is great, I will gladly risk my life to save yours. You must not try and stop me.

Jenlocke	OK.

Fanman:	[shrugs] Sure.

Badger:	Whatever.

Crawler:	No problem here.

NapMan &

ComaBoy:	ZZZZZzzzzzz..

Mr.T:	[shattering the glass in the soundproof room] BEAR!

Captain:	FanMan, you're with me. Hold this end of the rope, and don't let go.

[They climb out onto the top of the Hummingbird. Captain Synopsis goes to release the flaps. FanMan hangs on to the rope like he was told. Suddenly, a JAL plane flies by.]

FanMan:	[thinking] Hmmm.. might be cute girls on the plane. Better wave. [he holds the rope with one hand and waves.]

Captain:	Not much longer... Almost... there...[he finally pulls the flaps free. The plane levels off.]

[At the same time...]

FanMan:	[thinking] They didn't see me. I'd better try again. This time with BOTH hands.

[FanMan releases the ropes with both hands and waves frantically at the passing JAL airliner. Just then, the flaps are pulled free, and FanMan watches the rope slide further and further away. He makes a grab for it, but it's no good. Captain Synopsis falls off the plane.]

Captain:	Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! [Doppler effect]